About Me

August, 2001

So it's now August, 2001, and this area of the site has been on my mind lately, because of both its dated nature and its general bad attitude. I am not nearly as dissatisfied or angry as what was once might have indicated. Also, I've had quite a few things change in my life recently, which have most likely changed me, both in ways I can now perceive and in ways I'll be trying to understand even twenty years from now.

But here's a good place to start: back in June, I found out my college girlfriend was getting married in, well, August of this year. As I understand it, she was marrying the guy she started dating soon after we broke up. Wow: she may be married now, as I type this. It's strange, really: my expectation would be that I would feel awful about this, about the fact that she has gone on to find some sort of Ultimate Happiness in her relationship, whereas I am left languishing in some purgatory of singledom. But honestly, I think it's a good thing. At least for me, it frames the relationship I had with her, and the really pretty awful way it ended. And without spite, malice, or even the slightest hint of sarcasm I really hope they're happy.

But the truth is, I'm also pretty happy with what I have, too. In June, I stumbled across Jessamyn's site, and was instantly awed by what she'd built there. She was smart and funny and introspective, and provided a narrative aspect to her experiences that were thoughtful and interesting and funny and never ever boring. Shortly thereafter she emailed me, and we started an email correspondence that was somewhat blithe, but intriguing. On two separate occasions I had to look up words that seemed second nature to her. The next month I was in Vermont for a week, and we met. What started as a mutual liking of one another became our discovering that it was four in the morning and we were still talking, about anything. Then there was a certain giving in, and I've felt this vibrant, urgent emotional complexity in my life that I haven't experienced in, well maybe ever.

But the problem now, is there is this definite timorousness, probably on both our parts. For me at least, I go back and forth between a definite readiness to trust how I feel at the moment and really being reluctant because I know how such actions can turn out (see girl in paragraph 2).

So if I wished for one thing, it would be that I could be more resolute as I type this. But if one thing carries over from my last revision of this page, it is that I have a really difficult time speaking in terms of this-is-who-I-am and this-is-how-things-are and here-is-where-it-is-all-going. How I feel can change tomorrow, and it almost always does. Which is frustrating, and probably less than really healthy. But it's there, and I hope you can deal with it. I know I'm trying to.

In the meantime, please have faith that I'll be making a resolution fairly soon, and when I do it will be posted here, or somewhere nearby.

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